I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
