Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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