Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
