I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
