I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just sent this text using only my big toe
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
