Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm too high and old for this...
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