I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I wear drunk well.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
