Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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