I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
