Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
