got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
