The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
