so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
