I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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