I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
what is it with giant penises always finding me
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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