oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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