Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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