feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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