like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
