So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
