I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
