I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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