I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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