he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
