I want to have your abortion
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
