We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
