If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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