i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
