Porn is love you can see.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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