she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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