her vagine was all disorganized.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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