The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
