i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
