Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
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