I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
