i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Farmville is her only friend.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
