Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Drake has all the answers
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
