how can u be prego again
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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