Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think your dad took our porno
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
