So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
