you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
