i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
