somebody snuck up and got me drunk
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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