bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
