Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
