her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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