so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
