i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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