Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
