i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
