Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
