Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
