seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
whose parrot is this?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
