Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
