In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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